Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
