george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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