I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
