My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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