I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
