if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
