here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
