Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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