they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
