I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
we're making bets on your personal life
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
