I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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