she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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