Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
