hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
