i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
