what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
