I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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