oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
