I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm sobbing to NWA
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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