I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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