You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
