Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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