Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We had to coat check the pizza.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
