i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
