It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
