I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
