I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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