Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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