i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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