I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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