When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
