I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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