The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
