Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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