Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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