i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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