who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
