I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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