I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
