legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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