He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
