im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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