Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
