bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
