all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
