You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
