Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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