Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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