i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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