Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Redeem this text for a blowjob
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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